“HOCUS POCUS”
TWO STORIES”
STORY
1: Did you hear the one about the magician who
waved his hands over a heavy lump of lead saying “Hocus Pocus”,
and
convinced himself that he’d changed it into an actual lump of gold. He
then
took this lump of ‘gold’ to the bank and said to the teller “Put the
value of
this ‘gold’ into my bank account, I believe it’s worth $1,000,000.”
The
teller replied “Sir, it looks like a lump of grey lead. It’s worthless!”
The
man got agitated and demanded to see the Manager of the bank.
The
Manager also agreed with the teller that it was worth nothing and asked
the man
to leave.
Raising
his voice, the man yelled “I’ll sue you” and proceeded to call his
lawyer.
Whereupon, the Manager called the police and they put him in jail. They
then
referred the man to a Psychiatrist who promptly pronounced him mentally
insane.
(The
first men to try this were the 17th century alchemists
who
failed to transform worthless minerals like lead into more precious
substances
like gold. After all they reasoned “If the Pope can turn bread into
Jesus’
actual body and grape juice into his actual blood, how difficult can it
be?”
STORY
2: Anyhow, did you also hear about the Roman
Catholic priest who waved his hands over a wafer biscuit saying the
Latin “Hoc
est corpus” (yes Dear Reader, this is where magicians get the
phrase “Hocus
Pocus from) and convinced himself that he’d changed it into the actual
physical body of Christ. He said “Dear congregation, here is the
actual
body of Jesus and his actual blood. Let us eat Jesus’ actual body and
drink his
actual blood.”
Someone
called the Police. They came and charged the lot of them with
cannibalism.
The
judge gave them all ten years in prison and the priest got twenty.
Now
cannibalism, as
you know, is eating the flesh of actual people,
and is against the law. The police charge such people with murder and
put them
in jail for a very long time. And rightly so. So why don’t the Police
raid
Roman Catholic Cathedrals and churches and shut them down because they
eat
human flesh? Couldn’t they be charged with eating the actual body of
Jesus
every day and drinking his blood? Surely a crime most heinous!
Answer?
No-one believes they are eating an actual body and drinking the blood.
It’s a
bit like little kiddies in the backyard pretending that paddle pop
sticks are
real money. So this is positive proof that Roman Catholics are not
eating
Jesus’ actual body and drinking his actual blood. It’s called common
sense!
But
Rome insists that Jesus’ actual body be eaten and his blood to be
drunk. They
wrongly reason, that with Jesus inside of you, you will be as sinless
as he,
and you will be acceptable to God in heaven. You can then stand before
God, and
justify yourself with “God I am sinless! I have just eaten Jesus.”
Whacky!
Fruit Loops! What should we do? Call the men in white coats?
BUT
HANG ON … HERE’S A THOUGHT!
If a
Roman Catholic priest can turn the wafer into Christ himself, the Roman
Catholic church will never run out of money!
I mean surely some of the Vatican brains have thought of this? I
mean, there’s
a lot of that mineral lead out there,
I
mean, as the Pope gets on in age, you know on his ‘last legs’, if they
can just
prop up him up, mash up his food, wipe his mouth and clean his teeth,
just
to say those magic words “Hocus Pocus”.
I mean,
how easy is that! Look at all that potential gold!
I
mean as the saying goes “He wouldn’t have to work again, would he?”
I
mean surely he’d be a ‘lay-down-misere’ (a card game term for an
unbeatable
hand)
to win
first prize on that TV show - “Italy’s Got Talent!”
I mean he wouldn’t have to sing or dance or anything – he’d just mumble the magic formula. I mean it wouldn’t take that long would it, just a few seconds, and then he could toddle off back to bed with a glass of warm milk?
Harley
Hitchcock
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